when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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