All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
