I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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