I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So squirting runs in the family.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
