I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
