Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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