So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
