I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
