Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
