If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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