I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Terrible idea I love it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
