I'm so fucking centered right now
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
