I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
