I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
