When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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