I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
