Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
