Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
