you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Vodka?
Forever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
