mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
