My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
