you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
