I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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