If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When did angry sex become our thing?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
