Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
