I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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