there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
