There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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