I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
