today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
