go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
