So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
