I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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