I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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