I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
