Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
