If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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