Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
