I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
