Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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