I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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