i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
