I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
