Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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