The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
