When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
