I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
