I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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