Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
