She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
